We won't sleep together?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
