What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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