I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
