look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
