I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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