I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
