Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Randomize
