is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
