You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
