I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
