Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
