Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
