she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
