my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
