Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
the condom got lost in my hair
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
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