**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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