Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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