i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
She swung at the pinata with crutches
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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