So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
