I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
