TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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