We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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