DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
