I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
