I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
