We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
