it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
