found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
