Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
