Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
