My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
