I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
