Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
