I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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