textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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