Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
We have so much sex to catch up on
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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