I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
