She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
