just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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