Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
