when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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