I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
