I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
COCAINE IS GR8
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
