he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
