I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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