Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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