No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
