Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
