I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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