At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
