The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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