Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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