i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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