her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
