Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
