I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
